Friday, December 5, 2008


coffee pills and alcohol
caffeine a daze and a nice sleep
wake up withdraw
for the last time
the alcohol looks like
water and oxycontin
knows something i don't
2 days later i'm tired
of wetting my bed.

i kissed a girl
and my face
Fell to the ground
i find beauty in a doorway
in a soda can
thrown out in the street
for everyone to make fun of
i found a little bit of
heroin at the bottom
but that wasn't what caught
me by the heart
it was the girl
who took me in that
and then dumped me the next
and i kept
walking to find
the next can

the day i went away from
my body was the day I
saw you in a restaurant
in another state
in a different place and I wasn't
here to find anyone but we came from
different places on the place mat and you
took my eyes

i need to find you again.

you took my eyes for 30 minutes
I could see you across the room
and you were
the only one that took
my mind off all my pain for just a
i never looked longer than
that and that's when i knew
you would never be right for
jessica k. !!!!!


i am not scared of anyone.


i went downtown today for the art.
i walked down the street
my back started hurting like mad
left after about 10 minutes

i'm awesome.


Thursday, December 4, 2008


i went to school
with a cane
went up the elevator
i made a hat yesterday
it makes me feel nice
someone took it away from
and i suddenly lost
everything i had gained
everything i had wanted
in life
went away.
my only ambition
my only hope


today i went to school and i didn't like it very much. i have to present a website tomorrow in class, and i don't want to. i might skip. i make people smile in math

I had a test in chemistry i failed definitely and I got out early. I ended up talking to Erin for half an hour. I left my class at 250, I could've gone home, but I was enjoying myself so I stayed. I left. me and my cane. I'm home. I layed in bed for 20 minutes and I'm getting thai tonight. Alone.
I want to kiss someone.

I still can't really believe I woke up in the middle of getting my nerves burned. I'm waiting for my back to start hurting for real

for real

i just had some alcohol though so i guess i fucking delayed my feelings. I suck.
I don't think.

let's make out


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

i woke up

I went to the hospital today. I went in, had the same nurse from previous times give me my IV. She's quite good :). The nurses love me for some reason. I think it's because I'm really, really positive and I'm always smiling. Not sure though. Anyways, I got rolled in, flipped over onto the operating table, got my blood pressure thing wrapped around my arm, an oxygen clip on my finger, and put my head in a hole. 2 Minutes later I felt this sting in my arm it hurt so bad then I was out. A couple weeks ago I got the same anesthesia but they put this medicine in me to keep it from stinging. I think the nurse forgot to do it this time because I remember her saying 'oops'

Well, I woke up during this thing. I fucking woke up. I heard them talking, I don't remember what they were saying but I heard them and I remember my back hurting. I started moving my arms because I knew I was not supposed to be awake. I heard the nurse say, 'she's moving her arm' then I stopped. Then I moved my arm again because I was still awake and I COULD NOT TALK it was so fucking weird. I couldn't talk so I think I mumbled something then I was out.

When I woke up, correctly this time, from the hip down I was completely numb. I couldnt lift my legs and I couldn't feel my feet. I couldn't wiggle my toes either or feel the nurse touch them. I remember when I had surgery in 2004 my mom would keep touching my feet to make sure I had feeling in them. 30 minutes later I could walk but my legs were pretty heavy. My throat burned so fucking bad I kept asking for sprite and more sprite.

They took the IV out and I left. My father got me keva juice and 2 hours later my throat still burns and my back burns as well. So fucking bad. Oh well. It's just the skin I don't really feel a lot of internal back pain which is great :)

here's a picture:
(click it.)

the dots are where dr brauder went in and burned my nerves. the scars are old from 2004.

I had to be woken up when I had my spinal fusion surgery because I lost a lot of blood. Dr. Madigan had to wake me up to make sure I could move my legs because they thought I was paralyzed. I don't remember being woken up. I'm glad I don't remember.

I'm feeling kind of sick now I don't think I should have eaten anything.................

Today I think I'll lay in bed I wish I had a cable box in my room. I'm really fucking cold. I woke up really fucking cold. I have 2 comforters so I'm good.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

I won't get my car back for about another week. Damn. oh well.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

everyone is dying

everyone is dying
the lamps still hold the light bulbs
that somehow become unscrewed
and the table wobbles
the light flickers
until you get annoyed
and try to screw it tighter
only to be burned

break every bone in your
body just trying to turn the light
back on yeah
it doesn't quite work that way
but we can try

you want this
so badly
you'd do anything
committing suicide is the only thing
you could possibly think of
you never even tried
to screw the light bulb
back into place
because it was just too far away
in a place like this
you laid down
and couldn't get back
up without the help of a cane
and you had no pills in your system you
were lying on the floor crying
and crying and when we found you
your body had dried up and
all we found was your liver.

hello hello there

Today is Tuesday. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Tomorrow I am getting some nerves in my back burned with radio waves. Why am I excited? Because maybe for once in my life I can go a day without limping around like House. Maybe for once in my life when I go to school nobody will ask me if I'm fucked up.
Sometimes I think, what if this is how it's supposed to be, you know? What if this is how I'm supposed to live? This has made me tougher like nothing else has, I can no longer cry. The last time I remember truly crying is the day they rolled me into surgery. My mother cried first then, too. I think I get to choose what I get to do with myself. My pain is my own and I can do what I choose with it. Either living with it or doing something about it.
I don't need anyone's thoughts or anything like that. I'm tough and I'm usually smiling. I like writing about this, though, because it actually helps me immensely.
My mother likes to encourage me to have some hope in things such as this procedure, or aqua aerobics, working out, cardio, etc etc. Dear mom, I wish you could jump into my shoes. We have tried all these things and have they helped? No, they havent. Lying in bed and taking pills and occasional alcohol are the only things I can count on. This is rather unfortunate.

Modest Mouse makes me happy.

Lydiah Merritt has been my friend for 3 years. i'm happy.

doin the cockroach, yeah.

something I wrote today:

they make fun of me everyday
i really don't know why
i don't really care
i've been made fun of all my life
for some reason
I really don't know
why but I like how I've turned out.

whenever I get made fun of I just
have to think of you
I think of how you talk about me and my
oreo grin and my middle finger
I think about how
fucking insane I am and
about the time you bitched at me
the time I bitched at you
and I remember how it didn't really
matter because I had you
And you had me
before and after it
was still the same.