tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68857863428050811342024-03-13T21:51:04.016-07:00Pills and Cockmeat SandwichesJessica.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05792088614385130926noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6885786342805081134.post-41145239437423454852008-12-05T20:19:00.000-08:002008-12-05T20:28:18.994-08:00shitcoffee pills and alcohol<br />caffeine a daze and a nice sleep<br />wake up withdraw<br />for the last time<br />but <br />the alcohol looks like <br />water and oxycontin<br />knows something i don't<br />2 days later i'm tired<br />of wetting my bed.<br /><br /><br />i kissed a girl<br />and my face<br />Fell to the ground<br />i find beauty in a doorway<br />in a soda can<br />thrown out in the street <br />for everyone to make fun of<br />i found a little bit of<br />heroin at the bottom <br />but that wasn't what caught<br />me by the heart<br />it was the girl<br />who took me in that<br />Day<br />and then dumped me the next<br />and i kept <br />walking to find<br />the next can<br /><br /><br />the day i went away from<br />my body was the day I<br />saw you in a restaurant<br />in another state<br />in a different place and I wasn't<br />here to find anyone but we came from<br />different places on the place mat and you<br />took my eyes<br /><br />i need to find you again.<br /><br /><br />you took my eyes for 30 minutes<br />I could see you across the room<br />and you were<br />the only one that took<br />my mind off all my pain for just a <br />second<br />i never looked longer than <br />that and that's when i knew<br />you would never be right for<br />jessica k. !!!!!<br /><br />lawlawlalwl<br /><br />i am not scared of anyone.Jessica.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05792088614385130926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6885786342805081134.post-5213318271033300612008-12-05T19:06:00.001-08:002008-12-05T19:06:51.224-08:00wow.i went downtown today for the art.<br />i walked down the street<br />my back started hurting like mad<br />left after about 10 minutes<br /><br />i'm awesome.<br /><br />not.Jessica.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05792088614385130926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6885786342805081134.post-92124942587879948912008-12-04T13:44:00.000-08:002008-12-04T13:51:26.658-08:00hi<br /><br />i went to school<br />with a cane<br />went up the elevator<br />i made a hat yesterday<br />it makes me feel nice<br />someone took it away from <br />me<br />and i suddenly lost<br />everything i had gained<br />everything i had wanted<br />in life<br />went away.<br />my only ambition<br />my only hope<br /><br />gone.<br /><br /><br />today i went to school and i didn't like it very much. i have to present a website tomorrow in class, and i don't want to. i might skip. i make people smile in math<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3rESFQdvnjg/SThQLv5Tq1I/AAAAAAAAAAM/BgrtK-qf3Fk/s1600-h/wow.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3rESFQdvnjg/SThQLv5Tq1I/AAAAAAAAAAM/BgrtK-qf3Fk/s320/wow.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5276055126230149970" /></a><br /><br /><br />I had a test in chemistry i failed definitely and I got out early. I ended up talking to Erin for half an hour. I left my class at 250, I could've gone home, but I was enjoying myself so I stayed. I left. me and my cane. I'm home. I layed in bed for 20 minutes and I'm getting thai tonight. Alone.<br />I want to kiss someone.<br /><br />I still can't really believe I woke up in the middle of getting my nerves burned. I'm waiting for my back to start hurting for real<br /><br />for real<br /><br />i just had some alcohol though so i guess i fucking delayed my feelings. I suck.<br />I don't think.<br /><br />let's make out<br /><br />k.Jessica.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05792088614385130926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6885786342805081134.post-3365277976156514862008-12-03T09:05:00.000-08:002008-12-03T09:27:11.486-08:00i woke upI went to the hospital today. I went in, had the same nurse from previous times give me my IV. She's quite good :). The nurses love me for some reason. I think it's because I'm really, really positive and I'm always smiling. Not sure though. Anyways, I got rolled in, flipped over onto the operating table, got my blood pressure thing wrapped around my arm, an oxygen clip on my finger, and put my head in a hole. 2 Minutes later I felt this sting in my arm it hurt so bad then I was out. A couple weeks ago I got the same anesthesia but they put this medicine in me to keep it from stinging. I think the nurse forgot to do it this time because I remember her saying 'oops'<br /><br /><br />Well, I woke up during this thing. I fucking woke up. I heard them talking, I don't remember what they were saying but I heard them and I remember my back hurting. I started moving my arms because I knew I was not supposed to be awake. I heard the nurse say, 'she's moving her arm' then I stopped. Then I moved my arm again because I was still awake and I COULD NOT TALK it was so fucking weird. I couldn't talk so I think I mumbled something then I was out.<br /><br /><br />When I woke up, correctly this time, from the hip down I was completely numb. I couldnt lift my legs and I couldn't feel my feet. I couldn't wiggle my toes either or feel the nurse touch them. I remember when I had surgery in 2004 my mom would keep touching my feet to make sure I had feeling in them. 30 minutes later I could walk but my legs were pretty heavy. My throat burned so fucking bad I kept asking for sprite and more sprite.<br /><br /><br /><br />They took the IV out and I left. My father got me keva juice and 2 hours later my throat still burns and my back burns as well. So fucking bad. Oh well. It's just the skin I don't really feel a lot of internal back pain which is great :)<br /><br /><br /><br />here's a picture:<br />(click it.)<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b146/afrik/IMGP2565.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 657px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 398px" alt="" src="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b146/afrik/IMGP2565.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />the dots are where dr brauder went in and burned my nerves. the scars are old from 2004.<br /><br /><br />I had to be woken up when I had my spinal fusion surgery because I lost a lot of blood. Dr. Madigan had to wake me up to make sure I could move my legs because they thought I was paralyzed. I don't remember being woken up. I'm glad I don't remember.<br /><br /><br />I'm feeling kind of sick now I don't think I should have eaten anything.................<br /><br /><br />Today I think I'll lay in bed I wish I had a cable box in my room. I'm really fucking cold. I woke up really fucking cold. I have 2 comforters so I'm good.<br /><br /><br />I don't want to go to school tomorrow.<br /><br />I won't get my car back for about another week. Damn. oh well.Jessica.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05792088614385130926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6885786342805081134.post-70820330404604686792008-12-02T20:47:00.001-08:002008-12-02T21:27:09.524-08:00everyone is dying<div>everyone is dying<br />the lamps still hold the light bulbs<br />that somehow become unscrewed<br />slowly<br />and the table wobbles<br />the light flickers<br />until you get annoyed<br />and try to screw it tighter<br />only to be burned<br /><br />break every bone in your<br />body just trying to turn the light<br />back on yeah<br />it doesn't quite work that way<br />but we can try<br /><br />you want this<br />so badly<br />you'd do anything<br />committing suicide is the only thing<br />you could possibly think of<br />you never even tried<br />to screw the light bulb<br />back into place<br />because it was just too far away<br />in a place like this<br />you laid down<br />and couldn't get back<br />up without the help of a cane<br />and you had no pills in your system you<br />were lying on the floor crying<br />and crying and when we found you<br />your body had dried up and<br />all we found was your liver.</div><br /><div></div><a href="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b146/afrik/IMGP2550.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 637px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 407px" alt="" src="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b146/afrik/IMGP2550.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Jessica.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05792088614385130926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6885786342805081134.post-30992308187414094312008-12-02T18:19:00.000-08:002008-12-02T21:30:09.203-08:00hello hello thereToday is Tuesday. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Tomorrow I am getting some nerves in my back burned with radio waves. Why am I excited? Because maybe for once in my life I can go a day without limping around like House. Maybe for once in my life when I go to school nobody will ask me if I'm fucked up.<br />Sometimes I think, what if this is how it's supposed to be, you know? What if this is how I'm supposed to live? This has made me tougher like nothing else has, I can no longer cry. The last time I remember truly crying is the day they rolled me into surgery. My mother cried first then, too. I think I get to choose what I get to do with myself. My pain is my own and I can do what I choose with it. Either living with it or doing something about it.<br />I don't need anyone's thoughts or anything like that. I'm tough and I'm usually smiling. I like writing about this, though, because it actually helps me immensely.<br />My mother likes to encourage me to have some hope in things such as this procedure, or aqua aerobics, working out, cardio, etc etc. Dear mom, I wish you could jump into my shoes. We have tried all these things and have they helped? No, they havent. Lying in bed and taking pills and occasional alcohol are the only things I can count on. This is rather unfortunate.<br /><br />Modest Mouse makes me happy.<br /><br />Lydiah Merritt has been my friend for 3 years. i'm happy.<br /><br /><br />doin the cockroach, yeah.<br /><br />something I wrote today:<br /><br />they make fun of me everyday<br />i really don't know why<br />i don't really care<br />i've been made fun of all my life<br />for some reason<br />I really don't know<br />why but I like how I've turned out.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />whenever I get made fun of I just<br />have to think of you<br />I think of how you talk about me and my<br />oreo grin and my middle finger<br />I think about how<br />fucking insane I am and<br />about the time you bitched at me<br />the time I bitched at you<br />and I remember how it didn't really<br />matter because I had you<br />And you had me<br />before and after it<br />was still the same.<br /><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b146/afrik/lydiah-1.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 453px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 604px" alt="" src="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b146/afrik/lydiah-1.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><br /><a href="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b146/afrik/lydiah-1.jpg"></a>Jessica.http://www.blogger.com/profile/05792088614385130926noreply@blogger.com0